Danie se Wereld / My World

Dit is waarom ons die vrou nie kan verstaan

Lies:

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.

The seamstress replied, "No"

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "YES."

The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.



Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is:

WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS. THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT

AFRIKANER KIND

Mugabe grappe


Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Robert tells his driver:"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What happen to you?" Robert asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
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A man is caught in a traffic jam when suddenly, someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asks what he wants.

The other man says, "President Mugabe was kidnapped and the ransom is $50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the President with gasoline and set him on fire. We are taking up a collection. Do you wish to participate?"

The man in the car asks, "On average, what are people donating?"

The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 liters".

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Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well ,devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Zim too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody".....
He called Zim and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".

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President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he goes to one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would liketo lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mugabe, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the president. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??."
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: "If an Zimbabwean Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Mugabe was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Mugabe that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??. "Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
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SA Humor
Heaven

You know we live in Heaven in South Africa

* We heaven got petrol
* We heaven got diesel
* We heaven got electricity
* We heaven got forex
* We heaven got munnee
* We heaven got soccer tournament
* We heaven got cure for aids
* We heaven got winning rugby team
* We heaven got honest cricket players

Cape Town has a wonderfully varied, and surprisingly, tolerant population. It's people come from many different backgrounds and some of its people have a sense of humour, as unique to them as the cockney's. Their wit and repartee are as sharp as any cockney wit. Unfortunately, those who are not familiar with the Afrikaans language will be unable to share in the humour, deliberate and accidental, of these colourful folk.

Picture the scene. A newspaper vendor is standing in a busy intersection in the main street of Cape Town selling the afternoon paper, The Cape Argus.
"A'gus, A'gus," he calls incessantly.
A 4x4 bakkie with a Free State registration pulls up at the robot . The burly, deeply tanned farmer leans out of the cab window and calls to the paper vendor, "Hey midnight, bring 'n koerant."

"Midnight" sidles over and they exchange money and newspaper. Then midnight steps back, looks the driver straight in the eye and says, "Djy roep
my midnight. Djy's nie so ver van quarter-to-twelve djouself nie."
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Many years ago fish carts used to roam the residential streets. Their wares were advertised by the vendor blowing a fish horn, "Blaaaah. Blaaaah." One day, in response to the horn, a fellow with a very flat nose opened an upstairs window in a rather seedy street.
"Haai, wat verkoop djy?" he asked.
"Stompneus," answered the vendor.
The response from upstairs was immediate and to the point, "djou moer!"
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The neatly dressed, quiet spoken, middle aged lady bent down to inspect the peaches offered for sale by a street vendor, "Is daai perkes soet?" she enquired.
"Dja ounooi. Kyk net hoe still en netjies sit hulle in rytjies."

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The trek fishermen use a rowing boat to catch a fish they call harders. The boats are launched from the beach and the fish are caught close in to the shore. Frequently the fish are tied in bunches and sold at the roadside. A Transvaal Mercedes stopped next to a fisherman holding a bunch of harders and enquired, "Wat vra jy vir daar harders?"
The fisherman looked at the fish, then stretched out his arm and held the harders a few inches from the driver's face, "Ek vra hulle fokkol. Wil djy hulle iets vra?

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Krediet aan http://www.gpsa.co.za/weekly/jokes.html en http://www.bob.co.za/movies.htm vir die grappe

UITKOMS

Die einde van 'n droom

EXCELLENT IDEA,



A recent article from the Toronto Star, "the ICE idea", is catching on
and it is a very simple, yet important method of contact for you or a
loved one in case of an emergency.

As cell phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you
need to do is program the number of a contact person or persons and
store the name as "ICE".

The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when they went to
the scenes of accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients,
but they didn't know which numbers to call.

He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a
nationally recognized name to file "next of kin" under.

Following a disaster in London . The East Anglican Ambulance Service has
launched a national "In Case of Emergency (ICE)" campaign.

The idea is that you store the word "ICE " in your mobile phone address
book, and with it enter the number of the person you would want to be
contacted "In Case of Emergency ".

In an emergency situation, Emergency Services personnel and hospital
staff would then be able to quickly contact your next of kin, by
simply dialling the number programmed under "ICE".

Please forward this to everybody in your address book. It won't take too
many "forwards" before everybody will know about this. It really could
save your life, or put a loved one's mind at rest.

For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc.

A great idea that will make a difference !

Dying, the beloved country


HIV/Aids, malaria, diabetes and the December holidays: they'll all be the death of us, says Stats SA communications manager Trevor Oosterwyk in his analysis of the organisation's Mortality Report, released today


September 7, 2006

By Trevor Oosterwyk

For any country, the health and survival of its citizens is one of its main concerns. Knowing a particular age group's chances of dying for either sex, how the risks have changed over time, and understanding the causes of death are crucial in building an accurate picture of mortality and forming the basis for effective policy planning to improve survival rates.

In South Africa, the objective of reducing mortality is reflected in the Government Programme of Action.

This programme identifies key areas of intervention and focuses on research and initiatives to reduce deaths from malaria, tuberculosis, non-communicable diseases such as diabetes, asthma and hypertension, and unnatural causes of death, as well as the ongoing concern of HIV.

Today Statistics SA released data on deaths registered in the country from 1997 to 2004. The data is organised by age, sex and year of death.

Not all deaths are registered, but there was a higher percentage of deaths registered between 1997 and 2004 than in previous periods. Statistics SA estimates that, in 2000, more than 80% of the deaths of those aged 15 and over were registered.

The release of the statistics on registered deaths between 1997 and 2004 marks a high point in the quality of official data on mortality in Africa.

Statistics SA has also released an extensive report on adult deaths in the country in the same period. This report analyses death rates by age, sex, year of death and cause of death for people aged 15 to 64.

The data on deaths of children from birth to the age of 14 is much more incomplete.

It is estimated that less than 60% of the deaths of children were registered for any year between 1997 and 2004, while the data for the deaths of those above 65 were distorted by age exaggeration.

The report's data on deaths by age, sex and year are adjusted to take into account the incompleteness of death registration.

The methodology used to estimate the percentage of deaths registered is the same as that used by Statistics SA to estimate the mid-year population and to estimate the prevalence of HIV. The same approach is used by UNAids and the Department of Health.

The application of this methodology is part of Statistics SA's efforts to become the country's preferred provider of quality statistics.

A key part of this effort has been to apply consistent and defensible procedures to produce mid-year population estimates, to estimate the percentage of deaths registered, and to estimate the prevalence of HIV by age and sex.

Starting with the mid-year population estimates for 2004, this new procedure was applied to estimate the population by age, sex and population group, and to estimate the population by age and sex for every province. This approach uses the United Nations Spectrum programme with the UN East Asian mortality pattern.

The values of the input parameters were determined from the start by consultation between Statistics SA, the Department of Health and UNAids.

Values for earlier years were recalculated after the production of the 2004 mid-year population estimates, using the same methodology. For the estimate of the percentage of deaths registered used in the mortality report, a consistent methodology was applied for the years 1997 to 2004.

The Statistics SA mid-year population estimates have been adopted by the departments of health, housing, social development, water affairs and forestry, and the National Treasury. The population estimates are important for assessing the state of service delivery and for projections of future needs and demands.

Beginning with estimates for 2005 ANC (Antenatal Clinic) data, the Department of Health has used the same methodology to produce estimates of HIV prevalence by age and sex.

The department and Statistics SA have consulted extensively with each other, and the input assumptions for a given year were the same whether applied by the department or Statistics SA.

Beginning with estimates for 2006, mid-year population estimates have been made by Statistics SA at the district council level. With the 2007 Community Survey, it is planned that mid-year population estimates will be made at municipality level.

There is an annual workshop to discuss the input assumptions for these estimates. All the estimates are published and available to the public, government and business.

The co-operation between Statistics SA, the Department of Health and UNAids, and the application of a consistent methodology across an increasing number of areas, helps ensure that analyses and conclusions based on the generated data are the result of real patterns in the data, rather than the result of differences in the assumptions used to estimate results in different areas or for different years.

This facilitates the development of policy based on actual levels and trends rather than on ungrounded assumptions.

One of the main findings of the mortality report is that death rates in South Africa rose between 1997 and 2004 for every five-year age group for each sex, except for males aged 15 to 19. Some of these increases are large. The death rates more than tripled for females aged 20 to 39 and more than doubled for males aged 30 to 44.



Increases in death rates were smaller for the young and old. For each sex, for those aged 15 to 19 and 55 to 64, death rates between 1997 and 2004 increased by 20% or less.

Overall death rates from infectious diseases more than tripled for males and increased almost five-fold for females between 1997 and 2004. A large part of this was due to HIV.

HIV death rates have a distinctive age pattern: there is an increase in a given age and then a rapid decline at older ages. This peak occurs between the ages of 30 and 34 for females and between 35 and 39 for males.

According to the report, many HIV deaths are registered with some other cause of death. Based on the age pattern of death rates by sex, it is likely that a high proportion of deaths registered as death by parasitic diseases, parasitic opportunistic infections, certain disorders of the immune mechanism and maternal conditions (females only) are actually caused by HIV.

The report said this non-reporting of HIV deaths probably concealed how many actual deaths resulted from HIV given the age pattern of death.

Some registered causes of death rise to a peak with age and then decline at older ages more slowly than HIV, especially for males. For these causes of death, the report says, some of the deaths are likely to be from HIV. Other causes of death include infectious diseases, tuberculosis, malaria and nutritional deficiencies.

A major challenge for researchers is to find a reliable method of determining what deaths with a registered cause of something other than HIV are actually caused by HIV. Until that has been accomplished, the report says, it is not possible to count the number of HIV deaths by age, sex and year of death.

There was virtually no change in overall cancer death rates for either sex between 1997 and 2004. Cancer death rates declined for those aged between 50 and 64.

Non-communicable diseases caused a large portion of the deaths of older people. Increases in deaths from non-communicable diseases are a concern throughout the world.

Overall, death rates from non-communicable diseases increased by 45% for males and by 60% for females between 1997 and 2004. For each sex, the death rate from cancer, stroke and other circulatory causes combined rose by 12% between 1997 and 2004.

There is concern over malaria deaths, especially as drug-resistant strains of the disease have become common.

Overall malaria death rates rose between 1997 and 1999 and declined between 1999 and 2004. The overall death rate from malaria in 2004 was 45% higher than the 1997 value for males, however, and the overall death rate from malaria in 2004 was 93% higher than the 1997 rate for females.

Diabetes is also a great concern, the report says. The adoption of a Western diet, with large amounts of fat and few fruits and vegetables, led to overweight and obesity.

This increased the risk of Type II diabetes, which can be fatal if not effectively treated. Death rates from diabetes and obesity rose for each sex between 1997 and 2004.

Female death rates were always higher than male death rates, but the gap between the sexes narrowed over time.

Death rates from unnatural causes changed little between 1997 and 2004, the report finds, although these declined at the ages of 15 to 19 and at older ages.

Unnatural causes of deaths are homicide, suicide or accidents. Unnatural cause deaths are sometimes called external cause deaths, violent deaths or injury deaths.

The risk of unnatural deaths had large variations across the seasons, said the report. The risk of an unnatural death is 25% higher on any given day in December than on a day in other months. The holiday period is especially risky for unnatural causes of death, including deaths from firearms, knives, transport, drowning and falls.

The number of homicides has declined since the late 1990s, says the report. Homicide rates, however, remain high for males aged between 35 and 39.

Homicide accounts for most unnatural deaths of males aged between 35 and 39. Male homicide rates are about six times higher than female homicide rates.

The findings in the Statistics SA adult mortality report give a more complete picture of the level and causes of adult deaths than has previously been available.

The report also draws attention to a number of questions needing further research.

It highlights particular threats to the South African population, including the effects of diet (as shown in increasing diabetes death rates) and the risks of unnatural death in the December holiday period.

CELEBRATION OF NATURE

MY LATEST SKEPPING

Ou Koos
'n Non staan eendag by 'n verkeerslig in JHB, en Koos help haar ewe vriendelik oor die woelige straat.
Non: Ag, baie dankie; ek het nie geweet daar is nog sulke ordentlike jong mans in die bose stad nie.
Koos: Ag, dis niks. Enige pêl van Batman is my pêl.
______________________________________________________________________

Koos, vra vir Jan: "Is Portugal ver?

Jan: "Kan nie baie ver wees nie. Daar is Portugeese kinders in my klas
en hulle ry met fietse skool toe.
______________________________________________________________________

Gatiepie sit in die skool klas en die juffrou sê hy moet verduidelik wat is die verskil tussen "gewig" en "massa".
Gatiepie antwoord: "Daai's mos maklik djuffrou ".
My pa sê vir my ma: "Djy moet "gewig" verloor, djou vetgat".
Sy ma antwoord: "Djou "massa" moer".
_______________________________________________________________________

The little girl, the teacher and the whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
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Die spietkop

Die spietkop trek 'n motoris van die pad en vra hom sy lisensie.
Die man, 'n Holander het toe nou nie sy lisensie-kaartjie by hom nie.
Die spietkop vra toe nou maar die man wat sy van is en die Holander antwoort: "Steekbreek".
Met die brokkie inligting radio die spietkop sy hoofkantoor in die hoop dat hulle dalk die man se besonderhede op rekenaar het wat sal bewys of hy 'n bestuurders lisensie het of nie.
'n Dame antwoord: "Hoofkantoor"
Spietkop: "Het julle 'n Steekbreek daar?"
Dame: "Is jy mal, ons kry dan nie eers 'n halwe tee breek nie!"

____________________________________________________________________________________

Skaap

Eerste boer: 'Ek het 'n natuurlike frats op my plaas: 'n skaap met twee bene.'

Tweede boer: 'Ja, ek weet. Hy het gisteraand by my dogter kom kuier.'

It's Great to be a Souf Efrikan


It is a great country because:
1. You can eat raw half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.
2. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.
3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.
4. You can experience kak service in eleven official languages.
5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?
6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing.
7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.
8. Great accent. (!!!)
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called. The police you have to call about three times.
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. Where a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks! Ja nee!! It's flippen nice to be South African

Truth about islam from an ex-muslim lady


Al wat ek kan se is ek dink hierdie vrou is baie dapper, maar sy vra geregverdigde vrae oor Islam en Islam se benadering tot die mede mens.