Friday, September 22, 2006
Mugabe grappe
Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Robert tells his driver:"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What happen to you?" Robert asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
******************************************************************
A man is caught in a traffic jam when suddenly, someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asks what he wants.
The other man says, "President Mugabe was kidnapped and the ransom is $50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the President with gasoline and set him on fire. We are taking up a collection. Do you wish to participate?"
The man in the car asks, "On average, what are people donating?"
The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 liters".
*****************************************************************
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well ,devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Zim too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody".....
He called Zim and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".
******************************************************************************
President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he goes to one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would liketo lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mugabe, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the president. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??."
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: "If an Zimbabwean Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Mugabe was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Mugabe that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??. "Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
**********************************************************************************
SA Humor
Heaven
You know we live in Heaven in South Africa
* We heaven got petrol
* We heaven got diesel
* We heaven got electricity
* We heaven got forex
* We heaven got munnee
* We heaven got soccer tournament
* We heaven got cure for aids
* We heaven got winning rugby team
* We heaven got honest cricket players
Cape Town has a wonderfully varied, and surprisingly, tolerant population. It's people come from many different backgrounds and some of its people have a sense of humour, as unique to them as the cockney's. Their wit and repartee are as sharp as any cockney wit. Unfortunately, those who are not familiar with the Afrikaans language will be unable to share in the humour, deliberate and accidental, of these colourful folk.
Picture the scene. A newspaper vendor is standing in a busy intersection in the main street of Cape Town selling the afternoon paper, The Cape Argus.
"A'gus, A'gus," he calls incessantly.
A 4x4 bakkie with a Free State registration pulls up at the robot . The burly, deeply tanned farmer leans out of the cab window and calls to the paper vendor, "Hey midnight, bring 'n koerant."
"Midnight" sidles over and they exchange money and newspaper. Then midnight steps back, looks the driver straight in the eye and says, "Djy roep
my midnight. Djy's nie so ver van quarter-to-twelve djouself nie."
******************************************************************
Many years ago fish carts used to roam the residential streets. Their wares were advertised by the vendor blowing a fish horn, "Blaaaah. Blaaaah." One day, in response to the horn, a fellow with a very flat nose opened an upstairs window in a rather seedy street.
"Haai, wat verkoop djy?" he asked.
"Stompneus," answered the vendor.
The response from upstairs was immediate and to the point, "djou moer!"
**********************************************************************
The neatly dressed, quiet spoken, middle aged lady bent down to inspect the peaches offered for sale by a street vendor, "Is daai perkes soet?" she enquired.
"Dja ounooi. Kyk net hoe still en netjies sit hulle in rytjies."
******************************************************************************
The trek fishermen use a rowing boat to catch a fish they call harders. The boats are launched from the beach and the fish are caught close in to the shore. Frequently the fish are tied in bunches and sold at the roadside. A Transvaal Mercedes stopped next to a fisherman holding a bunch of harders and enquired, "Wat vra jy vir daar harders?"
The fisherman looked at the fish, then stretched out his arm and held the harders a few inches from the driver's face, "Ek vra hulle fokkol. Wil djy hulle iets vra?
*********************************************************************************
Krediet aan http://www.gpsa.co.za/weekly/jokes.html en http://www.bob.co.za/movies.htm vir die grappe
Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Robert tells his driver:"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. "What happen to you?" Robert asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me." "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: " Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
******************************************************************
A man is caught in a traffic jam when suddenly, someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asks what he wants.
The other man says, "President Mugabe was kidnapped and the ransom is $50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the President with gasoline and set him on fire. We are taking up a collection. Do you wish to participate?"
The man in the car asks, "On average, what are people donating?"
The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 liters".
*****************************************************************
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well ,devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars"
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Zim too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody".....
He called Zim and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Mugabe is stunned & says "One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local".
******************************************************************************
President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he goes to one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would liketo lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mugabe, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the president. That's what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??."
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: "If an Zimbabwean Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Mugabe was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Mugabe that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??. "Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
**********************************************************************************
SA Humor
Heaven
You know we live in Heaven in South Africa
* We heaven got petrol
* We heaven got diesel
* We heaven got electricity
* We heaven got forex
* We heaven got munnee
* We heaven got soccer tournament
* We heaven got cure for aids
* We heaven got winning rugby team
* We heaven got honest cricket players
Cape Town has a wonderfully varied, and surprisingly, tolerant population. It's people come from many different backgrounds and some of its people have a sense of humour, as unique to them as the cockney's. Their wit and repartee are as sharp as any cockney wit. Unfortunately, those who are not familiar with the Afrikaans language will be unable to share in the humour, deliberate and accidental, of these colourful folk.
Picture the scene. A newspaper vendor is standing in a busy intersection in the main street of Cape Town selling the afternoon paper, The Cape Argus.
"A'gus, A'gus," he calls incessantly.
A 4x4 bakkie with a Free State registration pulls up at the robot . The burly, deeply tanned farmer leans out of the cab window and calls to the paper vendor, "Hey midnight, bring 'n koerant."
"Midnight" sidles over and they exchange money and newspaper. Then midnight steps back, looks the driver straight in the eye and says, "Djy roep
my midnight. Djy's nie so ver van quarter-to-twelve djouself nie."
******************************************************************
Many years ago fish carts used to roam the residential streets. Their wares were advertised by the vendor blowing a fish horn, "Blaaaah. Blaaaah." One day, in response to the horn, a fellow with a very flat nose opened an upstairs window in a rather seedy street.
"Haai, wat verkoop djy?" he asked.
"Stompneus," answered the vendor.
The response from upstairs was immediate and to the point, "djou moer!"
**********************************************************************
The neatly dressed, quiet spoken, middle aged lady bent down to inspect the peaches offered for sale by a street vendor, "Is daai perkes soet?" she enquired.
"Dja ounooi. Kyk net hoe still en netjies sit hulle in rytjies."
******************************************************************************
The trek fishermen use a rowing boat to catch a fish they call harders. The boats are launched from the beach and the fish are caught close in to the shore. Frequently the fish are tied in bunches and sold at the roadside. A Transvaal Mercedes stopped next to a fisherman holding a bunch of harders and enquired, "Wat vra jy vir daar harders?"
The fisherman looked at the fish, then stretched out his arm and held the harders a few inches from the driver's face, "Ek vra hulle fokkol. Wil djy hulle iets vra?
*********************************************************************************
Krediet aan http://www.gpsa.co.za/weekly/jokes.html en http://www.bob.co.za/movies.htm vir die grappe
